Nancy’s death came suddenly. I knew she had been sick for awhile, but I couldn’t believe that the world could, or would even want to, exist without her. I chose to tell myself that she just needed time to rest and recoup. Nancy was always moving 100 miles per hour, and healing requires you to remain still from time to time. If figured when she got enough sleep, good food, and quiet time after a few months her systems would reset and she would be back to her trouble-shooting, joy-spreading ways. Needless to say, when I heard Nancy was in critical condition, and then on life support, and then that she had passed to Spirit, it didn’t really compute.
I am settling into a world where her physical body is no longer present, and thankfully at the same time I am being reminded that this means that her soul, and all of the unique beauty that it contains- her enthusiasm, creativity, endless problem-solving skills, joyful exuberance, and love is no longer contained. It’s truly boundless! For those of us who knew her, and would have described her energy as limitless before, we haven’t seen anything yet. Can you imagine Nancy no longer bound by time and space?! Her energy will forever be with each of us clapping, shouting, and doing her happy dance.
Throughout the part of the grieving process I have already been through (I am sure that there is more to come) I came to the realization that even though I had enjoyed a life with Nancy in it for almost 20 years, I only had two pictures of her on my phone. It’s funny because we were together at so many events where one of the City Rochester photographers, usually Ira Srole, was there but there are so few pictures of us together. It was either because the two of us were together running things behind the scenes or because one of us wanted the other to be the center of attention- wanted the other one’s hard work and dedication to be seen.
Here are the two pictures of Nancy that were on my phone. I printed them out and hung them in my cubicle at work next to the shelf where a binder that she created for me sits. It has a picture of Susan B. Anthony and Fredrick Douglas etched into it along with the logos of every project I ever worked on for the City of Rochester, from Flower City AmeriCorps to Positive Tickets to Youth Voice, One Vision.
She gave me that folder when I moved to Ithaca. It was her way of letting me know that my contribution to the City would never be forgotten and that I made a difference. It was also a signal that I was amazing and that I should never forget everything I had already accomplished. Nancy wanted me to know that I may have been moving to a community where no one knew the value of what I could bring to the table, but she knew and she didn’t want me to forget it.
This here is a super artsy, Instagram-worthy photo from one of my birthday celebrations. I think it is a photo of her taking a photo of me. We were at Sonnenberg Gardens in Canandaguia for my birthday which is in early May, so everything was just starting to come back to life. The gardens weren’t at their most beautiful, but Nancy treated every turn around every corner as magical. I don’t remember what year this was or how old I was turning, but I do remember I was very depressed and lost during that period of my life. My heart had been broken and it left me trying to make sense of both my inner and outer world. Nancy saw me struggling, and wanted to do whatever she could to make sure I knew that I was loved. We spent the day together just the two of us, and I remember thinking that even though I couldn’t be fully present that day, that what she gave me was a perfect “Brandi” birthday: watching the world come back to life in giant garden where we never knew what magical thing we were going to come across just around the corner.
This photo will always make me smile. That’s little me on the far left and Nancy on the far right. I can be an animated presenter and public speaker, but I have nothing on Nancy especially when the topic is something she is passionate about, especially the 40 Developmental Assets (a framework of positive youth development created by the Search Institute). This photo was taken right after the two of us co-presented a training on The Assets for a Russian delegate of youth advocates visiting the City of Rochester as part of a Sister Cities Program. We gave an hour presentation where the two of us were contained in a very tiny conference room with a table that took about 80% of the room. We spent the whole time feeding off each others enthusiasm and excitement, practically bouncing off the walls, all for an audience that didn’t speak a word of English! The other women in this photo were wearing headsets throughout the presentation while a translator, who I don’t think is in the photo, listened to what we were saying and quietly translated our exuberance into a microphone. Everything was on a slight delay. I can only imagine how funny, yet passionate we looked to this group of women were watching our body language and theatrical expressions, slightly out of sync with the words buzzing in their ears! I remember a lot big eyes and smiles that day, even though small talk was rough.
I am glad I have both of these photos. I wish I had more. Who knows, maybe there are some in the City archives somewhere, photos of me and Nancy joyfully standing side-by-side. If there are, I hope someone finds them some day and thinks to themselves. “Wow, those two women look like they were glad to be there.” Because we were. Even during the hardest events and the saddest moments, when we were together, we were glad to be there. <3
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